All say that it is difficult to have adolescents. I don’t know if it is a fact that most people experienced it true or just that us parents are not prepared to deal with different kids of our new world.

I am lucky that my son stayed in China with his dad till he finished high school, which meant that I really had no clue what had happened during that time. As I know, his dad had a very hard time during the last 6 months before my son’s University Entrance Examinations and 2 months after that.

His dad is a very handsome, very well educated capable man with parents as university professors. He is reasonable and stricter than me in kids matters. My son is a handsome boy and has been always nice since very young. He was a very kind small kid at the age of  5 crying for a whole day when we flushed a little mouse down the toilette.  What could be wrong with a couple of dad and son like that?

6 months before the Univ.Entrance Examinations, my son’s dad wrote me a letter with red and b0ld characters telling me in a furious anger that my son was going out with one of his classmate girls. Of course, dad was strongly against this behavior, especially at the critical moment of having this  Once-A-Life-Time examinations that would decide his future in China. He is a dragon and so is his son. He bought his son into this very best high school by paying extra money hoping that his son would do better among those best students of the whole province. You can imagine where his anger came from about his son doing such an improper business at such a wrong time.

Receiving the news, I asked myself what I could do this far away from them.  My first reaction was nothing else but a pretty happy feeling,  for my son, because I still remember the first time when I fell in love in high school.  Falling in love with someone for the first time in our life is such a wonderful feeling that it feels like the whole body is boosted by a magical drink and it is full of endless energy. It feels like being waken up feeling that I truly exist or come back to life! For my son, it would be especially true among those lessons of boredom, lectures around dinning table only about the importance of studies, and daily routines of spending 1.5 hours on bus to and from school, 8 hours at school sitting and memorizing those seemingly important knowledge, and another 3-4 hours at home reviewing those lessons, everyday, every week including weekends for 3 years…I was happy for my son that he started to grow up and feel love, but quite worried, not about how he would deal with it, but about how he would deal with his dad in his strong opposition! He would most probably spend more time and energy dealing with his dad than dealing with the simple relationship that he was enjoying…I believe that life was finding him some wonderful things so that he could continue his studies…

Not to my surprise, his dad tried everything to stop this “improper” business! What we usually do if we want to stop a person from liking or loving another is to tell him what he should and should not do. Well, to tell a boy of 17 years old not to like a girl is not really likely to happen! Our words are further from his heart than his heart from himself, no? Of course it didn’t work at all. His dad became desperate. He didn’t think of other options or even asked me of my opinions before going around at the back digging out all the unpleasant issues and affairs of the girl for the past 3 years. Yes, he did find unpleasant matters to prove to  his son that this girl he was going out with was not a good girl. To the contrary of his dad’s wish,  my son just went even further away: he went to stay with the girl right after the Entrance Examinations!!! His dad drove at midnight to the condo where the girl and my son were staying, trying to get his son back home. Failed to do so, he threatened to his son not to come back home if my son was not going back with him that night. As a result, he left without his son and he had not seen his son for many days. In order to push harder later, he told his son that he would not pay his trip to Canada if he was not coming back home soon. Well, threatening was not working neither! My son was turning to me and the girl for help and the girl’s family would help as well.

What could I do to help his dad with his frustration besides telling him to relax and not to worry too much? Now he and his son had run into dead corners. Usually, it is easier to talk to adults, but this time, I find it much easier to talk to the adolescent, my son. I couldn’t do nothing for the dad, yet I could truly do something for my son,  whose body far away from me, yet whose heart linked with mine every minute of my life! What I could tell my son was not to stop the relationship because I knew it was not possible, but to enjoy what he was experiencing and to use the happy feeling and the energy generated from this relationship in their studies and to care for and help  each other.

My attitude and ways were accused by the dad who said I was not supporting him and also said that all his son’s wrong doings including not studying very hard was all because I put into his mind that he was going to Canada! I wonder how I could have such a power over his son while being 10 thousand kms away and dad couldn’t control his son from his wrong doings who was just one step away from him!

It was not the dad’s accusation that had put me to my son’s side, it is truly my concern for my son’s spirit in this particular situation. He was doing something that he was not supposed to do, yet as a 17 years old, he needed guidance in keeping a healthy and positive attitude towards love when it happens and in helping him wisely use his limited energy at that particular time rather than distracting him to a matter that he should put less energy for. Trying to stop such a feeling is not practical, digging out dirt to prove that his son was wrong was certainly unwise and chasing to the girl’s apartment to show the father’s power was indeed stupid.

I cared about the girl as well, because she must have felt awful hearing all her past sad things dug up by the respectful father of my son.  According to my son, they tried a few times wishing to talk to the father but it was completely out of the question that he would care to talk with them, especially with her. They were only 17 and they were not clear and strong enough to handle their business without feeling guilty and bad, because no one, no parents, no schools would agree with what they were doing.

They turned to me, the mother, for help,  who was far away from them and who might be a bit different than people around them. Under such circumstances, their spirits were my priorities, not his dad’s righteousness and the tradition.  I assured them that to fall in love was a wonderful thing and they were already 17 and they should follow their hearts, but wisely arrange their life and time and set up higher goals for themselves to pursue. I believe that they are not stupid kids and if I guide them into the healthy way of dealing with their love affair and put their energy together, that would be a great help in their studies! But the problem was that I had to show them how to deal with their oppositions: my son’s dad and the schools. The dad gave me quite a lot of pressure with all those accusations and he asked me to call my son’s Teacher in Charge. I laughed about his accusations and refused to talk to my son’s teacher. What could I say to the teacher? To agree with her, to say my son was wrong? To force my son to stop his feeling? I did what I believed effective, healthy and therefore right things. I talked to my son and the girl. I assured them that not all our parents and schools were ready for problems in life, not all our parents were qualified to guide our children and we all should learn. I respected their feeling and asked them to respect the school’s present rules. As of the father, I asked my son to reconcile with him and to my glad surprise, my son did eventually.

Concerning my son’s love affair, I was not worried. I learned in my life that we should follow life and let life lead us. Let time tell us the truth and let life live its own course. The dad was worried that the girl was using my son to come together with him to Canada, well, I was neither worried about that. If she could use my son and come to Canada with him, that meant she was an intelligent and capable person. My son was a lovely handsome young man, who wouldn’t love him? I believed her feeling and I supported her. She was one of our children who needed help and guidance. She was not someone who should be blamed and thrown away. She is worth being loved no matter what she did in the past and she will be a person who will have a future as anybody else whom the parents and teachers think behave well. She wanted to come to Canada and if is possible, then come.

A bit more than one year after my son was in Canada, they finished their first love relationship, simply they are not old enough to make such a big decision and not loving each other enough to overcome all the difficulties to come together. Well, isn’t it normal? Young people of 17-19 years old, do they have the clear vision of their future and the guts to do truly bold things? I doubt it and it is normal. And there is a question of finance as well for the girl.

I asked my son after if this love affair had influenced him in a bad way, he said no. He told me that it helped his studies and true, he did better (or at least normal) in his final big examinations than the estimations! I could see that this event hasn’t left any negative impact on him neither, which I feel very happy and proud for him and for me myself.

Life is beautiful if we give the true colours back to life instead of smearing around painting our own small pictures! Life is wonderful if we kindle the light in the eyes of our children instead of muffling it out. Live our lives and let our children live their lives. We can enjoy watching, helping and coaching, they can enjoy breathing, living and loving!

It was about 2 years ago on Nuns’ Island where my office is.  I invited one of the important bank directors for lunch at Finesse d’Orient. That was in early April,  middle of our busy period-mid January to end of June, as people either have to buy their own houses or continue to live in their old places before 1st of July each year.

The director was in the east of Montreal meeting some of his branch managers for business. He would finish around 12:00 that day. So we agreed to meet at the restaurant at 12 sharp.  As usual, in busy season among tons of papers and at the same time answering clients’ calls, it is some what hard to leave my desk. I was late for lunch with him once already, therefore, I told myself to be alert of the time and I seriously prepared myself for the punctuality.

“Driiiiiing, Driiiing!”, my phone rang.

” Allo! Hi, Bob!”, that was him!

” What time is it now? Where are you?”, Bob asked me at the other end of the phone in a tone that sounds not so happy!

I looked at the time. oh, shit, shit shit! It was 12:10!!!! Well, I thought, only 10 minutes late and I was just about 30 seconds to that restaurant, not a big deal!

I answered quickly: ” Sorry for that! I will be there in 2 minutes”.

Yes, the 2 minutes promise became about 10 minutes,  putting things away, dressing for outside, answering one call on the way, etc…

When I arrived, it was 12:20. I was ushered to Bob who was sitting there looking at me walking towards him, but motionless. Usually, he would stand up,  smiling , hugging and kissing my cheeks, but not this time! O, o! I knew that I was toasted!

I sat down opposite him on the bench and explained with utterance why I was late while in my heart feeling really very awkward knowing very well that punctuality is one of the good qualities of the professionals.  I did say sorry many many times…

Despite of my excuses, he said, protesting: ” Christie, you know how long I had been here?”

Yes, I thought, 5 to 12:00! He said in a bit yelling tone: ” No, I had been here 40 minutes waiting for you!”

“How come 40 minutes? Our appointment is at 12:00, it should have been only 20 minutes”! I thought in mind.

” No!” he said, as if he knew what I was thinking.  ” I finished early this morning, and I arrived here 20 to 12:00!!”

Well, now I understand why he was so upset and gave me cold face. At the same time I saw a bit of a chance to put this unpleasant event behind us thinking objectively that his upset feeling was because of his early arrival as well.  But he wouldn’t listen at all and our table stayed cold. Yes, eh? Waiting alone in a restaurant for 40 minutes! Nobody would be happy anyways!

So how was I going to have the lunch with the unhappy mood of my invited? I could not and neither could he. Well, it was basically my fault right? I was late, not 5, not 10, 20 minutes. I could forgive myself being busy, phone calls, etc, but the lunch is scheduled at 12, then be there at 12! What have other excuses anything to do with the previously scheduled time? I didn’t tell Bob earlier that I would be half an hour late neither? What on earth do I have the right to excuse myself for my own wrong doing and attitude?  I should be there at agreed time, period! But I said sorry a few times and he wouldn’t let me go! What should I do enough to make him accept my apology and be happy again so that we can enjoy our lunch?

Then, I said to him looking right into his eyes: ” Bob, I am truly sorry. By being late so much, I didn’t respect your time and I should stick to my word no matter what happens. I promise that this will not happen again!”  Yes, this little cold war had been quite long and we had to put an end to it. He must have seen and felt that I was sincere and truly repentant,  because when I was saying those words to him,  I was holding his right hand with both of my hands, squeezing and shaking at the same time. I was not only holding it with my hands, but holding it with my heart as well asking for his forgiveness.

Then finally, he said: ” okaaaay, that’s okay!”  and put on a shy smile. Yes, he is generous and kind enough to forgive me!  Feeeew! I released his hand, feeling for myself released and relaxed at last. That was a very long killing 2-3 minutes for me!  You know that this was the first time I ever did a thing like that: holding the hand of a man looking attentively right into his eyes, squeezing and shaking, not for the purpose of asking him to marry me, but that of apologizing and asking for his forgiveness!

The lunch after went very well. Because of this drama and the resolution of the crisis, we both felt released of the fear of loosing our relationship and the pressure of how to end this unpleasant event in a good way. We even started joking about this event outside before we departed each other and I felt so happy that we saved our business relationship AND I saved a precious personal friend. Oh, don’t forget that I learned an important lesson for myself as well: A Promise IS A Promise! Even just for things that are as minor as being punctuel for lunch!

Every Year we have Xmas  and New Year Party. There all of our agents meet with each other and with the bank representatives as well to exchange the experiences in order to up-grade our services to our clients.

2008 is passing by and 2009 is coming soon! I say Hi to you with the President of Multi-Prets and some of the Representatives of the banks.