The Sky of Mei Mei (3) – Hope
Mei Mei had no other ways to break out from the cocoon! She had no courage, no money nor true friends! She tried many times timidly from dépanneur to dépanneur ( grocery store ) almost begging to be their helper, wishing that they would shed some sympathy on the pathetic little “Cosette”*. She would clean the floors and the toilets, carry heavy goods, put food on the shelves, gather empty cardboards; she would smile to the clients, say nice words and keep them happy for their stores…She would simply do anything if she could make $7 or 6, even $5 an hour. She tried so hard that she eventually got one!
Now her world turned a bit pinky. She started making “money” now! She felt really very happy! Ever since she moved to Canada, she lost her right to pocket money, not mentioning her grandpa’s spoiling smile and little red envelopes for her! But now, she was making her own money by working! She felt as if her spine was growing with this itch in her bone marrow. She was so itchy that she stretched backward from time to time to feel it! She also sensed that some creatures were creeping under her nipples as if they were getting bigger. She started to look at herself in the mirror!
“Aiyaya, what a slouch beaten dog I am!”, she murmured sadly to herself!
“Mmm, I’ve got to be different now! I have to be nicer! I will buy myself a nice dress NOT made in China, hehe! ” She was determined.
She smiled the first time since so long that her skin on the face trembled. Nothing, nothing ever would replace her revitalized feeling at this moment when this $140 CANADIAN money was in her little hand after one week of work at the rate of $7.45!
“诶,我怎么是这样的?!” 她自己都嫌弃镜子里的自己:黄黄的脸,没有光色;扁平的身材,没有太多曲线。班里和她一样年纪的当地女孩,以中国人的眼睛看她们,俨然已是十分成熟和丰满,更像二十四五岁的女人。而自己则被当地人认为才十二岁?!
“我得改变!要变得漂亮些!买一件法国牌子但不太贵的漂亮衬衫,唇膏,还有。。。” 她盘算着第一次工资如何花呢!她没有去想,人的外形,是食物和文化空气与水,是音乐和运动,是快乐轻松的环境。但一想到要工作了,她慢慢变得轻松。
她第一次微微地笑了。虽然脸在笑,眼睛却没有笑的力气。她愣愣地盯着镜子里异样的自己,用手使劲向耳朵背后别着硬而短粗又不听话乱翘着的黑发。由于太久没有笑过,脸上的皮肤在颤抖,像要裂开似的。不常笑的脸,托不住上拉的脸颊,笑意只维持了两三秒钟,便恢复了沮丧的原样。特别是放学一回家,见到爸妈阴沉的脸,自己也像坠入了冰河。在学校轻松而容易泛笑的脸,一进家门,就变得跟蜡像似的。梅梅喜欢要么待在学校,要么去上班。
才上两天班,就因犯错被主管训斥是“笨蛋!”。虽在爸爸面前哭过一次,但因有早日独立的强烈愿望,她坚持了下来。
工作一周以后,梅梅领到了平生第一次薪水-140加元。这是一周课余工作二十五小时扣除税费后的回报。她每天五点下了学就去上班,直到晚上十一点,而周末不确定。拿着这些钱,梅梅觉得,此时此刻,没有什么其它东西让梅梅能更深刻地体会到重生的感觉,没有什么比这几张印着伊丽莎白二世头像的绿色纸币更加美妙绝伦。
正好周二下午没课,梅梅约了也没课的之鸣来到了皇家山街,第一次用自己的钱买自己喜欢的东西。在商店里看了一下午,梅梅最后买了一件意大利生产的黑色低领衫。
那是一件NARACAMICIE牌子的衬衫。梅梅在镜前试着这件轻飘飘的上衣:前面是方形的开口,大胆地露出一点还未完全成熟的乳房;紧紧的上身,包着十六岁青涩少女暗暗滋长着的欲望;跨过下乳腺,一根发亮的粉色丝带,将衬衫一分为二;上边是绣花丝绸,像秀气大方的文胸,结束在粉色丝带上;不粗不细的粉丝带被系成一个蝴蝶结,紧锁着春意萌发的两只可爱小圆乳;丝带下边是半透明的黑纱料,前短后长地飘垂下来;前面从蝴蝶结下被破开来,露出淡金色绷紧微凹的肚脐,背后从背心也破开来,闪现着腰间洼陷而可数的颗颗脊骨;两片衣裙镶有同粉色的边。开心的梅梅转着身子,下衣裙嫣然飘飘似蝴蝶的两片翅膀,拍着要飞。。。
实在太美了。梅梅从来没见过设计这么美的衣服,也没想到会这么合适她,像是为她量身定做的。衬衫不仅美而合身,也像是给她的渴望也量了尺寸,不大不小,正好装下了她正在复苏的心。梅梅花掉一周的工资加上自己平时存的五十块,果断地买下了这重要的快乐!
她不能等,当场就穿走了新衣服。她把旧衣塞进背包里,和之鸣一起,冲出商店,跳上了脚踏车。风在她耳畔温柔地吹拂着无名的兴奋,股股新鲜而令人鼓舞的能量传遍全身,让她从里到外为之振然。衬衫下翼那两片带粉边的黑色翅膀托着梅梅轻盈的身体和快乐的心,翩翩飞舞而去。。。
She bought a French-made dress! A pretty black low-cast blouse where she could show shyly a bit of still not fully developed breasts, a bit of her 15, soon-to-be 16 years old young Chinese lady’s pride!
With the dress right on after purchase, she dashed out of the store on Mont-Royale Street, Plateau Montréal and jumped on her bike! Flying, flying, she let the breeze wildly whisper into her ears some unknown words of joy. The fresh and exciting energy ran through her whole body, shocking her from inside out and reluctantly fainting away from the ends of her dark long hair!
With time eclipsing, she studied, and worked hard to put money aside, in the hope that she could leave her small exposed corner of the noisy unrest home for ever! She would rent her own little apartment, or share with a friend; she wanted to meet someone handsome, kind hearted and someone who would give her the peace she had been longing for and some sweet words she had never heard before; she wanted to have a sweet long kiss on her lips with her tired eyes closed, and maybe she wanted to pop up her foot in the air as well, like the Hollywood movie princesses always do.
Her life had been nothing else but studying 6 hours a day and working another 6 hours after school. She had no time to be friendly with any boy, nor did she have the interest! She told herself to study hard like the Ancient Chinese man (who hung his long hair from the ceiling pillar and put needles on his chair to stay awake ) and work her head off as the Chinese farmer workers in China.
The time for moving out had come when she turned 17. She was so afraid of her furiously tempered mom that she usually started a brain freeze thinking of her. She knew what mom would tell her and the dishes would be scattered on the floor again with deafening breaking noise. There had been too many of these unbearable dramas theatred by mom – a once loving, quiet and graceful mom, but now seemed seized by demons and lost all her senses and spirit.
Mei Mei did not know how to bring this matter up. Of course, she could always talk to dad, but she did not feel right to evade this matter and transfer the disaster to her dear dad. Her mom would get to know anyway, so she waited for the “right” time.
A sunny Saturday evening, she invited mom and dad to a restaurant, La Cuisine Sichuan, an authentic, therefore the best Chinese restaurant in town. Mom seemed happy! She surprisingly kissed her daughter before leaving home. Wow, that was something! Chinese do not touch or kiss each other! We do not convey emotions by these gestures, we are supposed to guess the emotions and keep them deep down in the bottom of our hearts. Kissing or hugging brings us too close and that intimidates us too much! We hide them, the deeper the better. We hide our good deeds to be “modest”. We hide our shyness in expressing love by actions. We hide our gratitude or even want to make it disappear to show that we do not owe anyone anything! Sometimes, we hope that we can also hide well our deepest dark desires for our little petty soul from each other. But, we just can not, because “God is awake” …
From the beginning of the meal, she had started choosing words and thinking of ways to break the news. She was just too nervous to have appetite! Looking at mom and dad enjoying so much of the delicious dishes with true Sichuan recipes and ingredients directly from Chengdu, China, she felt a great unnameable pain and also guilty to even tell them she was leaving.
Well, she had to do it sooner or later anyway. She hated her guts to see her mom everyday deep in the worries, or to hear her whining about petty stuff , or doubting about dad having affairs with other women. Now she was putting it to an end, for herself, even though she wanted very much to end it as well for her dad. She mustered up her courage and finally said something with her brain muffled and eyes filled with nervousness and anxiety.
“What did you say? What did you just say?” Actually, she herself did not hear what she said, but her mom’s sharp question woke her up! She quickly sat back into her chair and returned to silence as usual. Mom had been silent the rest of the meal without even looking at her or her dad. But she knew she had to harden her skin and tighten her ears when they would return home.
No need to describe further anything that happened after getting home. Mom, besides her usual despair, had a major break down! She cried hard and long, yelling: “You are 17 now, eh? You are grown up now, eh? You want to leave us now, eh? I have sacrified all my life for you, I have suffered so much for you! You have wings now and you make money now! You do not love us any more! Maybe you have never loved us anyway…We came to to this strange country with no money, no career, for YOU, and now you are leaving us…” She just cried on and on!
Mei Mei, no matter how tight she shrank her ears, how hard she held up herself, she could not maintain it any more. She had been brought up as nothing with no such thing as RIGHT, of course she did not know what to fight for and how.
But, life was just simply wonderful in its self adjusting abilities, as Mei Mei was learning about her rights as a HUMAN-being and using the most efficient ways of evading the negativities in life. She ran, yes, she COULD actually run away, run to a place where she was not the BELONGINGS and the CENTER of the universe of her parents, nor the carrier of her parents’ happiness and fate! She just could not bear the weight any more on her tiny, skinny and fragile shoulders, neither could she carry the shapeless responsibilities and guilt on her still undeveloped soul! She was leaving, leaving to her one-room apartment shared with another little struggling soul! She was definitely going on the path, searching for the return of nature of herself, searching for her OWN destiny!
The End.
My writing of Mei Mei’s story ends here, yet her life continues. She might already be out there some where living her own life as a doctor, a nurse, an engineer, an artist, or a business woman, a secretary or a waitress. I am sure that she has found her place in the new country, continuing blending into the multi-cultural Canadian society with profundity. She might also be creating a new different culture with her past Chinese cultural richness together with the existing wealth of the Canadian bi/multi-cultural heritage.
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